As Featured in "Living Well" Magazine.

Mary S. Schreiber, PhD

I received the call early on Sunday morning. My father was undergoing emergency heart surgery. I felt helpless. My immediate reaction was to get on a plane and fly to Minnesota to provide the support he needed, however the reality of the situation was much different. I am what is now coined as the classical "sandwich generation" working full time, single mother of three faced with caring for my parent. 

Since my mother had passed away at 54 and being the oldest sibling, the Catholic guilt took over as I took on the caregiver role. Thoughts of leaving my job, taking the kids out of school all become a part of my daily dialogue. Then one day when talking to a friend, she stated "imagine how your father feels".

Those words were immobilizing. The once independent father that had cared for his wife and 5 children was now facing a sense of dependency. The dentist, golfer, fisherman had lost a part of his freedom. The man that stood so strong was now very weak and very dependent.

The plan was to divide the 8 weeks of recovery among the 5 siblings with the theory of divide and conquer! But as we all know when it comes to the family dynamics - theory and practice are two different animals. I  found myself faced with an 8 week stretch and taking life one day at a time.

My journey began as a learning experience. Through this journey I had the opportunity to reconnect with my father and meet some wonderful caregivers . This experience allowed me to take a closer look at the nonmedical homecare industry and learn to ask some very fundamental questions when seeking care for a loved one. 

If I could not be there for my father, a trusted caregiver that loved football would have to do.Through my journey I have learned to ask some very basic questions.

 1. Make sure that when looking into a homecare agency that they conduct free personalized in- home assessments. Make your needs very clear to the individual conducting the assessment and do not be afraid to be very specific (dad wants his toast with butter and three slices of turkey- you know us Minnesotains love their butter).  Make sure that your caregiver is matched to your individualized needs - personality counts and let me tell you when we had a caregiver that was not a HUGE Minnesota Vikings football fan - we had problems! 

2. Make sure that the caregivers are screened, trained, bonded, insured, and the agency is licensed. I also requested that the caregiver document in a daily log the time spent with my father, what they did, what he ate and we kept this log on the kitchen table to review dad's routine and make note of any changes in his routine.

3. Communication was a HUGE concern of mine. I wanted an agency that had a great reputation, came with references and was responsive to my needs - when I called, I wanted answers from a real person to reassure me that everything was going to be fine.I also requested emails and a daily check in system when I was unable to be at the house. I wanted to know the range of services provided and and if they had meal preparation, transportation, housekeeping and what was really helpful was the healthcare advocate's advice which helped eliminate frustrations encountered when dealing with the healthcare systems and all that paperwork!

We are often so caught up in our destination that we forget to appreciate the journey, especially the goodness of the people we meet along the way. Appreciation is a wonderful feeling, don't overlook it! I am happy to say that dad is stronger than ever,with the motto that life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, golf clubs in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming - WOO HOO what a ride - life begins at 80!!!

Please feel free to contact me directly if you should have any questions.